I’m not sure what my “clinical” diagnosis is — but I have a history of depression. It comes, it goes. I don’t think it’s “seasonal” but rather “environmental.” I think I just get overwhelmed sometimes (full-time overworked single mom of 2). Sometimes when I find myself overwhelmed, my answer is to duck my head in the sand rather than deal with the issues at hand, and of course, that just compounds the issue.

My depression ALWAYS starts with insomnia. Can’t sleep cause I have too much on my mind, can’t do anything about it because I’m too tired. The hurrieder I go the behinder I get… yah, that’s me sometimes. My depression seems to last anywhere from 6mo to a year at a time. Then I snap out of it for no apparent reason.

In an effort to manage the depression over the years, I’ve tried a number of meds. Zoloft made my skin crawl, literally. Prozac and Trazadone were my friends a couple times. I had forgotten what depression felt like until recently. I thought I was doing fine, totally off meds, life was functioning — then I added someone new. At first it was fun and exciting, that process of getting to know one another. Then the panic set in. What if….. we don’t talk tomorrow, what if he moves away and we lose this bond…. what if this is too much, too little, whatever. It wasn’t really the guy that I became infatuated with, but rather the process. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy… but he does not make my world go round. I am well liked by many people and I have a wonderful set of friends that would give their last breath for me. I’m a great person and one of the best friends someone could hope to have. I’m kind, loyal, honest, loving, generous, forthright, albiet a bit demanding at times. This is one of those times.

As a result of my allowing this new someone into my inner sanctum where my deepest secrets and painful skeletons are usually holed up – my paranoia about his abandoning our friendship based on my shortcomings reared it’s ugly head and presented itself as pouting, manipulation, jealousy, greed, envy… you name it. I would lash out and then immediately regret it, and go into self punishment mode. Pity party table of one… right this way ma’am. With every temper tantrum came greater sadness, but I was powerless to stop. I still struggle. This friend of mine even went to counseling with me a couple times to help me process my mood disorder(s) — I would have told me to take a flying leap! Here I am attacking him, and he holds my hand on the couch at the therapists office while I bawl my eyes out.

After struggling through this for a few weeks, I finally sought the assistance of my physician and my therapist. They started me on Prozac and Ambien…. then doubled the Prozac. I saw some difference, but not any immediate impact. Temper tantrums were still revealing themselves at any hint of abandonment (my friend was moving to another country and I was concerned about the relevance of our being as good of friends when he would be so remote). Abandonment is HUGE for me – and though my reasonable self understands that life is comprised of flux and change, but my emotional self cannot get past the feeling that she’s somehow invisible, forgettable, not quite ‘good’ enough to remember or care about.

After suffering through some really bad fights, and some days where I could do little more than cry uncontrollably, I decided something had to give. The Prozac, even doubled, was not helping my depression this time. I actually felt WORSE on the drug. There were many days & nights that suicide was prevalent on my mind. Why continue being a burdeon. All the while I have friends and teens thanking me and telling me I’m an inspiration… in MY mind, I’m only a trainwreck. A shell of someone who could have been great but failed to meet even her own expectations. “You’re British, scale it back a bit” as Eddie Izzard might say.

Three weeks ago that friend moved away to his rock at the bottom of the arctic circle and my son decided to start expressing his emotions through cutting. This was also the time we decided to switch meds again to either Wellbutrin XR or Effexor XR and Trazadone (for sleeping). My daughter tried Wellbutrin for her ADHD with no results, so I was hesitant about that. My Dr.’s conferred and decided to start me on Effexor XR. Look that med up online anywhere, you’ll read some SERIOUSLY scary stuff about it. Brain jolts, vision issues, weight gain, painful sickening withdrawl issues. But I’m willing to try anything to get my moods to stabilize, so I started the Effexor XR at 37.5mg for a week, then 75mg for two weeks.

Yesterday was the end of week three. Though I have not had the brain jolts or vision issues, I have gained 5lbs (not the 10 I thought I had). That could be from the cookies and candies and red meat I’ve been consuming as a result of the holidays so I’m not going to blame Effexor for my lack of dietary discipline. I’ve noticed an increase in my ability to focus and my ability to sleep through the night – though I find myself severely overheated at night (not sexy). Everyone else is freezing and I’m in my own little sauna under the sheets. My blood pressure is slightly elevated as well (common side effect).

I haven’t really noticed any balancing out of my moods, unfortuantely. The same paranoia exists maybe to a slightly lesser degree – but I still have little “joy” in life. Everything is kinda like…. whatever…. I guess….. maybe… blah. Talked to the Dr. today about adding Wellbutrin XR to the Effexor XR 75mgs, she said she didn’t want to combine until we attempted to double the Effexor XR to 150mgs daily. Ugh!

THIS is why people kill themselves. Who has time to jump through these hoops? Who, if actually clinically bi-polar, or delusional, or you name it, would have the warewithall to keep going back and back and back to “try on” an answer. At some point you just say…. screw it…. I’m beyond help. And if you’re like me, single, with only people who are relying on you, not people to really rely on — who’s there to tell you you’re not beyond help? Who can help change your perspective?

I really feel bad for people who have it worse than I do. I know my “depression” is mild compared to others. In fact, I don’t even know that I’m “depressed” this time, it’s more “anxiety” than “depression” if you ask me. But no one is asking me. I just know that I’d like to get back to my logical reasonable self and drop this emotional baggage.

The therapist insists it’s healthy to feel, it’s healthy to cry, it’s healthy to process. But after living numb for so many years, I have to say everyone around me is accustomed to my being numb and functioning, rather than being an emotional invalid.

Everyone wants to blame the friend too — while it’s true he helped me to feel again, WHAT I’m feeling is the result of the ghosts of Christmas past. He’s not completely innocent, but he’s certainly not to BLAME for my process. I just don’t normally let people into my pandora’s box, and now that he’s IN — I just don’t want to lose him and it freaks me out a bit.

Depression, Anxiety, whatever you want to call it — it’s difficult. Not only for the people around us who unfortunately suffer the wounds of our shrapnal, but it’s especially difficult for those of us going through the disease. These demons haunt us everyday, and believe me when I say I’m very sorry some of that venom spills into your peripheral lives from time to time.

I will get better — I want to get better — I just don’t have a timeframe for you…. or for me. I keep waiting for the answer. Everyone who suffers through this disease is waiting for the magic cure — like the image says – no one WANTS to be like this. We really don’t.

Relevant Link and good reading here: http://www.damndamndepression.com/