“And you may ask yourself… how did I get here?” 

How did I get here?  Back to this dark place again.  It’s like the movie Groundhog Day only I’m not having nearly the fun Phil had in sussing out his errors. 

The holidays are upon us.  Christmas & New Year’s.  It’s the most wonderful time of the year.  This is the time of year when we celebrate the birth of our savior Jesus Christ.  But for those of us unlucky enough to be without a companion, these holidays can be painful.  This year is especially painful for me because:

• My daughter is in a perpetual bad mood (she’s 17)
• My son has begun expressing his emotions through cutting (he’s 13)
• My grandmother is dying
• My newly reaquainted best friend just moved 1/2 way across the world
• My father figure at work is leaving the company next Friday
• My best co-workers (all 3 of them) will be gone through the 2nd week of January

My friends are all married with kids, I can’t seem to meet anyone I’d give a second glance to (I live in Los Angeles, brain cells are few and far between here).  I’m broke, I’m alone, and I feel abandoned by everyone who claims to love me. 

Sure people know I’ve had some sad days, and sure they try to remind me that I’m strong or other such nonsense….. but what I really want to hear is, that I’m entitled to feel scared.  I’m entitled to feel lonely, that I’ve every right to be tired of swimming upstream constantly.  I don’t want people to argue with me about what I CAN do, yah sure I can do anything I set my mind to, but what if right now I just don’t have the energy and I want someone… anyone else to do it for me?

It goes against every fiber in my being to trust people.  I haven’t had the best luck with my interpersonal relationships.  I’m a “parentified only child” which means that aside from never meeting my Father, and having a Mother that I actually had/have to support, I never had any brothers or sisters to share the responsibility, the hardships, the good times, the bad times.  It was just me…. and it’s still just me.

I try to connect – but it never lasts long.  I’m constantly disappointed by people who can’t be there for me 24/7.  I’m too needy, they’re not needy enough.  Although it’s a mindset I’m trying to change – my ingrained nature is to assume that if you don’t need me then you’ll abandon our relationship because I can serve no purpose.

This summer I spent, a friend of mine and I spent a great deal of energy getting to know each other again after a decade long separation.  It was not a trouble free summer, but it was the first time I’ve connected with anyone, let alone a man, in years.  And connecting with him was so seamless, so flawless, so easy.  It wasn’t long before there wasn’t a day, or even a few hours that we didn’t go without connecting with each other.

As life does, it called him onto another adventure that took him halfway across the world, or 8 hours into the future.  This means our schedules rarely if ever match up.  As a consequence I’m losing what I treasured most about us — our connection.  He’s busy there, he’s dealing with a lot – relocation, family issues, work issues, transportation issues, money issues.  Lots of issues — he doesn’t need us to be an issue, but he also doesn’t realize how alone I am without him.

I love you and I miss you mean more to me than hey I want to jump your bones.  I don’t mind that his body is further away — what I’m missing is the heart.  I don’t think he understands that part.  I’m losing my best friend… and he promised it wouldn’t work this way.  I’m crushed that what I was fearful of is coming to fruition and he simply doesn’t see my fear of abandonment coming full circle to be applied to us.  I’m losing him…. I didn’t want to lose him again, but I’m losing him and he promised it wouldn’t be this way.

I’m scared, I’m alone, I’m tired, I’m depressed.  I’m sick, I’m broke, I’m overwhelmed and underprepared.  I NEED my best friend now more than ever — I don’t think we’ll ever be the same again.

Life moves on pretty quickly for some people — I just wish those people would take a moment to realize the people they’re leaving behind might actually miss them.  Not because they’re ‘in love’ with them, but because they honest to God love them and are frightened for a future without them.

This friend is a once in a lifetime — I just wish we could have made the most out of the lifetime we had.  Now it seems it’s a little late to mend fences that neither of us can seem to reach.

I want my best friend back.  You’re the only one that made me feel like I had value.  I can’t do this without your holding my hand.  I promise to hold back.  You let go Jack… what happened?  Come back.